This question is very heartfelt, and I pray for you in the name of Jesus that you become exposed to the heart of the Father, his undying love, and his intentions towards you. What can I say? It begins with accepting this simple statement: “God is for me.” When we read the book of Psalms, we see the meditations of a man’s heart, especially in circumstances that didn’t feel like God was there. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... thou art with me.”

Kai!!! Even just writing it now, the weight of the words is coming upon me mightily.

How did David get to the point where he believed without an iota of doubt that even if he was in the valley of the shadow of death, God was with him? How did he know that even in such a circumstance, God was on his side, fighting for him and creating something beautiful out of his life?

It was a mindset, a conviction, that wasn’t produced by reading the entirety of the scriptures; it was produced by meditating on the nature of God.

It was a mindset that defined every circumstance he faced and experienced.

A person who has been told “nobody wants you” for the better part of their lives would begin to unconsciously meditate on that simple phrase until that phrase defines the entirety of their existence. 

That phrase would become the lens through which they engage with and experience the world. It doesn’t matter if they meet someone who wants them because they have subconsciously meditated on “nobody wants me.” That is all they will ever experience.

This is also true about the love of God. We haven’t meditated on it enough. We haven’t allowed ourselves to “blindly” believe it enough. That's why we can’t see it. Reality is reality, but our experience of reality, however, is subject to our understanding. 

If I believe “women are scum,” for example, and meditate on it so much, even if I meet an angel in a woman’s body, I would still have an experience of a scum woman. Our meditations condition our perception of reality.

If I believe God loves me and God is for me, if I meditate on it long enough, I will begin to see and experience this love around me. I will also see it in the scriptures. I will see it in Bible stories that look so dreadful and cruel. I will see it in the joys of my life, and I will see it in the pains of my life. “God is for me.”

It’s not about reading the whole Bible. If we read the Bible with the wrong meditation, all we will experience will be a reflection of our meditations. If our meditations are bad, God will be bad. If our meditations are good, God will be good.

You should first meditate on this truth “God is for me." Don’t try to reason it out. Don’t try to explain it. Just accept it. 

Say it to yourself before you go to sleep. Say it when you wake up. Say it when your heart is filled with sorrow. Say it when your heart is filled with joy. Say it. Absorb it. Believe it.

If you don’t know how do not worry. That is why you are here. That is what you are here to learn.

I cannot give comprehensive assistance to you in these few words. If you hang around, however, if you take all the teachings you are going to receive seriously and put them into practice, your life will change.

You will receive healing, and your heart will be mended in many ways. Light will come to you. Understanding will come to you. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.